Healthy Relationships and Boundaries in College: When No Can Be the End of the Sentence

Come on. Everybody else is going.

Why won’t you tell me?

You know you can trust me.

What’s the big deal?

Why can’t you just do this for me?

College can introduce you to some of the most meaningful relationships of your life. New friendships form. Roommates become confidants. Teammates become family. Classmates, coworkers and people you meet through campus organizations begin occupying places in your story that didn’t exist before coming to campus.

Some of those relationships may last decades.

But building healthy relationships isn’t only about finding people you enjoy being around.

It’s also about finding people who allow you to be yourself in a season when you鈥檙e searching for what鈥檚 next.

College Changes Your Relationship Landscape

Relationships matter at every stage of life, but college can dramatically change the people surrounding you.

You may arrive without the family members, longtime friends, teachers and communities that previously formed your support system. Suddenly, you’re meeting people with different backgrounds, personalities, expectations, languages, cultures, and experiences.

Kim Retherford, director of Counseling Services at 网曝吃瓜-Webb University, says people are naturally wired for connection.

"We were created for community and we have this innate need for connection."

That desire to belong can make the relationships we form in college especially meaningful.

It can also make it tempting to ignore something that makes us uncomfortable because we don’t want to risk losing a new friendship or social interaction.

A healthy relationship should leave room for both connection and boundaries.

Healthy People Make Room for Your No

A boundary can sound like a complicated psychological concept.

In everyday life, it can be remarkably simple.

I’m not comfortable with that.

I don’t want to do that.

I’d rather not talk about that.

That’s not something I want to share.

Retherford describes healthy relationships in terms that are equally straightforward:

"It is so important that we find healthy people that get us, that understand us, that validate us, that are going to understand if we say, no, I'm not comfortable with that. I don't want to do that. That doesn't match my values. And then it gets to just be end of sentence."

That last idea matters.

End of sentence.

A boundary isn’t automatically an invitation to negotiate.

The people around you don’t have to agree with every choice you make. They don’t have to share all your values or understand every reason behind a decision.

But healthy relationships make room for respect.

You Don't Always Owe Someone a Longer Explanation

Sometimes explaining a boundary makes sense.

Maybe a roommate doesn’t realize something bothers you. A friend may misunderstand why you don’t want to participate in something. A conversation can help two people understand each other better.

Communication is part of building relationships.

But there’s a difference between choosing to explain yourself and feeling as though you must repeatedly defend a boundary before someone will respect it.

Consider the difference between:

“No, I’m not comfortable with that.”

and:

“No, I’m not comfortable with that鈥攂ut I need to give you five reasons, prove those reasons are legitimate and convince you that I’m entitled to feel that way.”

You can listen to another person’s perspective without surrendering your own.

Sometimes no gets to remain no.

Your Values Can Help You Recognize Your Boundaries

Of course, knowing where to draw a boundary assumes you have some sense of what matters to you.

What if you don’t?

That’s a particularly relevant question during college, when students may be examining beliefs, relationships, priorities and identities in new ways.

网曝吃瓜-Webb University counselor Bogdan Podgaisky says uncertainty about values isn’t necessarily a problem.

"I'll say that's okay. Values can change over the course of a lifetime. College is a big transitional period, so your values might change."

Instead of expecting students to arrive with everything figured out, Podgaisky suggests paying attention.

"So what's really significant to you? What do you prioritize? What things get you angry or get you ticked? Those can all point towards what you value, what's important to you."

Those questions can be useful beyond choosing a major or deciding how to spend your time.

They can help you think about relationships, too.

What qualities matter to you in a friendship?

How do you want people to speak to you?

What are you comfortable sharing?

What behaviors conflict with something important to you?

What do you need in order to trust someone?

College can be a place where you discover some of those answers.

Pay Attention to What Happens After You Set a Boundary

Setting a boundary tells someone something about you.

How that person responds can tell you something about the relationship.

That doesn’t mean every awkward reaction signals an unhealthy relationship. People misunderstand one another. Friends disagree. Roommates get irritated. Someone may even feel disappointed by your decision.

Healthy relationships aren’t relationships without conflict.

But there are useful questions you can ask yourself.

Does this person listen when I say I’m uncomfortable?

Can we disagree without the disagreement becoming a threat to the relationship?

Do they repeatedly pressure me after I’ve said no?

Can I express an opinion they don’t share?

Do I feel as though I have to become someone different to remain accepted?

Do my boundaries receive respect鈥攐r repeated negotiation?

These aren’t tests that automatically label another person as good or bad.

They’re opportunities to pay attention to the patterns within a relationship.

Boundaries Work Both Ways

There’s another side to this conversation that’s easy to overlook.

If you want people to respect your boundaries, you have a responsibility to respect theirs.

A friend doesn’t owe you every detail of what’s happening in their life.

A roommate can need time alone.

Someone can decline an invitation without rejecting your friendship.

A person can tell you they’re uncomfortable with something even if you don’t understand why.

Sometimes being a good friend means hearing someone else’s no without requiring them to turn it into a paragraph.

Healthy relationships make room for two whole people鈥攏ot one person’s needs constantly overriding the other’s.

Relationships Can Change鈥攁nd That's Okay

Not every relationship you begin in college will remain the same.

People change. Priorities shift. Roommates move. Students graduate. Friend groups evolve.

Sometimes a relationship simply becomes less central to your life.

That doesn’t automatically mean something went wrong.

College is a period of significant growth, and Podgaisky’s observation about changing values applies here, too. As you learn more about yourself, you may also develop a clearer understanding of the relationships that help you become the person you want to be.

The goal isn’t to surround yourself only with people who agree with you.

It’s to build relationships where disagreement, individuality and boundaries can exist alongside connection.

Find People Who Let You Be You

Some of the people you meet in college may become lifelong friends.

They’ll celebrate victories with you, sit beside you through difficult seasons and someday remind you of stories you’ve completely forgotten.

Those relationships are worth investing in.

And part of that investment is learning that closeness doesn’t require giving another person unlimited access to your time, choices, thoughts or comfort.

You can care deeply about someone and still have boundaries.

You can value a relationship and still disagree.

You can listen to another person’s perspective and still decide something isn’t right for you.

And when you’ve communicated a reasonable boundary clearly and respectfully, you don’t always need another explanation.

Sometimes:

No, I’m not comfortable with that.

Gets to be the end of the sentence.

Need Support? Connect With the GWU Counseling Center

The GWU Counseling Center is in the Tucker Student Center.

Hours:
Monday-Friday, 8 a.m. 鈥� 5 p.m.

To schedule an appointment please call or email us at:
笔丑辞苍别:听(704) 406-2729
贰尘补颈濒:听[email protected]

Additional Support Links:

The Counseling Center

Campus Life

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